While awaiting the start of this morning’s service, I decided to check the standings of the First Actuarial Monkey League, to find that I am on the cusp of victory

To be clear, this is a game of skill, where over 100  financial experts pit their wits against each other and 1000 monkeys to determine who will be the best and worst performing sides in each of the three divisions of the EFL and the one division of the Premiership.

Beat 500 monkeys and you are displaying alpha, fail to beat 500 monkeys and you might as well spend your working day in the zoo.

I am somewhat surprised not to have been alerted to my impending victory by my former colleagues but expect those congratulations to be forthcoming once they have read this blog.

I will not the first Tapper to win this coveted trophy. My son, Oliver , won when a winsome thirteen year old.  He is at the outset of his career, as I am towards my end but we share a judgement that others may choose to rely on. I am therefore launching today “Tapper & Tapper stock-picking services (very Ltd)”.

The full table can be viewed from this link, it shows the abject performance of many of my former colleagues and suggests that actuarial qualifications don’t mean jack-shit when it comes to the future.

My picks are below (apologies Ipswich). Teams are handicapped with the help of William Hill and Jo Coral’s football analysts.

I will take this opportunity to congratulate Hilary Salt not just on her recent retirement , but on her football team’s miraculous victory in yesterday’s FA cup.

This afternoon sees Leeds United take on Southampton for the play-off place in the Premiership. It should also crown another glorious season for Tapper & Tapper stock-pickers.