10 infrastucture opportunities pension funds cannot ignore!

The Government has announced that it wants UK pension funds to invest in UK infrastructure. This week we saw a slice of Thames Water purchased by the Chinese. I live on the Thames and as dawn rises this morning I’m on “Junk Alert” on “the partially yellow river”.

I shouldn’t jest. “Infrastucture for pensions” is a major policy initiative so I’ve been thinking of “family silver” we still own that could be rebranded to deliver a gilts + income stream to our needy pension trustees.

Here are my top 10 picks

The TARMAC M25; Tarmac laid it, widened it and relaid it. If you’d been laid as often as the M25, you’d want to conceive a private/public partnership (if not a civil wedding).
The RFU Channel; The Rugby Football Union is about the only organisation that can still use the word “English” without racist undertones. As most of the water in this country is owned by the French (oh and the Chinese), it seems right that we maintain our rights to the English Channel by aligning ourselves to the core values of the RFU (greed, incompetence and middle-class ineptitude). The RFUis a past master in charging a fortune for a load of old rope so I look forward to the blazers setting an exorbitant congestion charge for the straits of Dover (renamed the Twickenham turnstile).
The Church of Branson; We really do not sweat the commercial potential of the Church of England as we should. Richard Branson looks like Jesus and has a sharp eye for an income generating opportunity. Look out for the unleaded church with a polythene roof and leaded windows replaced by digitally projected images of the Virgin Richard . The COE Pension fund needs divine intervention.
The Towers Watson Bridge; The fine consultancy Towers Watson is omnipresent in the pantheon of pension advisers in corporate Britain. The gatekeeper’s gatekeeper should be offered the opportunity to make central London a “Tower’ed” community, the bridge needs to be down to those Chinese Junks .
The House of British Gas; apart from a measly income stream from hapless tourists, the House of Commons has been a drain on public coffers for many years. It is time it was sold to and re-branded by British Gas along with the House of Lords, Courts of Justice and most of SW1. Considerable hot air is generated by politicians and civil servants in pursuit of the maintenance of their privileged status as guardian and beneficiary of the guaranteed pension.This should be used in UK to provide the renewable energy that we pay British Gas and its parent Centrica to sell. It would be good to see Centrica’s guaranteed pension schemes kept afloat by Whitehall waffle.
Ecosse Diageo. Scotland needs to be floated off as soon as possible. The EU is the natural home for this basket case that is currently supported by Westminster taxes raised via the revenues from our fine banks (RBS and HBOS). Diageo make some of their money from highland malts and are past masters of re-branding. A new name, harping back to the “bel-alliance”, would surely hasten the de-merger of Scotland into the Euro zone albeit with a hefty section 75 debt. Scotland owes much to its whiskey makers and should think it a small favour to sell it’s identity and tax revenues to Diageo.
“Royal Mail Rail”– this catchy title is not as stupid as it sounds. In the past the Royal Mail and the nationalised railways were the subject of one of the most succesful robberies ever. Both have continued to drain the public and its Treasury ever since. While transferring what’s left of the Rail Network into the Royal Mail’s pension scheme might still not plug the Royal Mail’s pension scheme deficit , it would provide some pleasing synergies.
The Isle of MAN GLG; The IOM ‘s a nightmare to get to and it is horrible when you arrive. Currently it is full of offshore insurance groups but the Manxmen also want an influx of Hedge Funds. MAN GLG is a fine organisation , its revenues are derived from getting pension investment into hedge funds and it keeps many pension fund advisers in a job. We say get MAN GLG to manage the Isle of Man as a “safe haven for financial chicanery” . Their overseas institutions (who pay no UK tax anyway) can pactice tax evasion , call it tax avoidance and MAN GLG can package a a slice of the revenues as the gilt + income stream to small pension schemes. Ringfencing such practices on Manx could create a new Alcatraz for arbitrageurs – we would happily see them staying out there in their retirement!
Monarch-e The budget airline need a corporate makeover, it really is a shoddy brand. What better way to realign its public persona than for it to purchase the Monarchy including the Crown Estates and the marketing rights to Princess Di and the (semi) live ones. While a reverse takeover of this size might look outlandish, the “e” tag should change your mind. We do not need a monarchy or any of their accoutrements. Buck Palace, Windsor Castle and Sandringham form the basis of a superior hotel chain while the Queen and her retinue can easily be virtualised (I follow the fake Queen on twitter). Monarch can vastly improve revenues from the Crown by digitalising it and in the process keep their pilots in the kind of pensions previously reserved for BA.
The RBS National Debt. While our national debt can hardly claim to be an asset, it’s management could offer a lucrative basis point opportunity and who better to hand it to , than its principal contributor, the Royal Bank of Scotland. Government economic policy is too important to be left to elected officials and besides, there is a serious conflict of interest in getting civil servants to have to work for their pensions. Let’s deal with that issue by giving all at the Treasury maxed out early retirement pensions without further delay. Hand over the national debt to RBS and keep bankers in Fred-like pensions for ever.