The European Union has helpfully decided that I am to be considered half man half woman for mortality purposes. As a young man I much admired the oeuvre of “Half Man Half Biscuit” but the thought that I might turn out half a woman is even better.
I am currently on my way up to Manchester for another night in Hotel Stupid, hopefully I will have a full length mirror in my room and I’ll be able to see for myself where I have mutated. Not only have I become a better driver as a result of this transformation, but I’ve also become four years younger.
Bearing in mind I gave up smoking four weeks ago, I’m now ten years younger than at the start of February. When I gave up my exclusive Eton postcode for a more modest Brentford address I moved from a geriatric demographic to a yuppie one, my postcode also rejuvenated me by four years so I am (taking into account the year that has passed) thirteen years younger than this time last year.
If I continue to rejuvenate at this rate I will find myself in my mother’s womb before the end of the decade.
I would like any young ladies of my acquaintance to recognise that I am effectively a 36 year old and though I may have the gravitas of my seeming 49 years, I have the longevity of Ryan Giggs (if he smoked and lived in a nursing home).
You may think today has been a good day and indeed it has. I have absolute confidence in the officers of the European Union. Not I to question their edicts. Though the ancients may have in their simplicity represented Eve as a pair of fig leaves long on Adam, clearly today’s Adam will appear in the garden with bikini tops covering man boobs.
Henceforward I will deem myself unisex in all things. How delightful to have become if not the fairer, at least as fair a sex!
- Fish discards could end under EU proposals. (inmatezero.wordpress.com)
- Parking costs ‘postcode lottery’ (mirror.co.uk)
- EU justice chief: company boards need more women (seattletimes.nwsource.com)
- Parking costs are postcode lottery claims watchdog (independent.co.uk)