Which half of me is a woman?

Official insignia of the European Court of Justice

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The European Union has helpfully decided that I am to be considered half man half woman for mortality purposes. As a young man I much admired the oeuvre of “Half Man Half Biscuit”  but the thought that I might turn out half a woman is even better.

I am currently on my way up to Manchester for another night in Hotel Stupid, hopefully I will have a full length mirror in my room and I’ll be able to see for myself where I have mutated. Not only have I become a better driver as a result of this transformation, but I’ve also become four years younger.

Bearing in mind I gave up smoking four weeks ago, I’m now ten years younger than at the start of February. When I gave up my exclusive Eton postcode for a  more modest Brentford address I moved from a geriatric demographic to a yuppie one, my postcode also rejuvenated me by four years so I am (taking into account the year that has passed) thirteen years younger than this time last year.

If I continue to rejuvenate at this rate I will find myself in my mother’s womb before the end of the decade.

I would like any young ladies of my acquaintance to recognise that I am effectively a 36 year old and though I may have the gravitas of my seeming 49 years, I have the longevity of Ryan Giggs (if he smoked and lived in a nursing home).

You may think today has been a good day and indeed it has. I have absolute confidence in the officers of the European Union. Not I to question their edicts. Though the ancients may have in their simplicity represented  Eve as a pair of fig leaves long on Adam, clearly today’s Adam will appear in the garden with bikini tops covering man boobs.

Henceforward I will deem myself unisex in all things. How delightful to have become if not the fairer, at least as fair a sex!

About henry tapper

Founder of the Pension PlayPen,, partner of Stella, father of Olly . I am the Pension Plowman
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2 Responses to Which half of me is a woman?

  1. Katherine Oxenham says:

    Like they say, you’re only as old as the woman you feel!

  2. henry tapper says:

    I was thinking of moderating that comment as a personal advert AnnuityKath

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