What do you do with e-christmas cards?

They bother me.

“E-Christmas card” is a misnoma, most of these e-thingies seem the product of the thought police who de-risk corporate communications.

“Merry” is of course out – a whiff of intoxication cannot accompany the “festive greetings”.

Come to think of it- quite why we should be festive is not clear We can’t celebrate Christ. Christ is toxic in our diverse world. So “Christmas” is  uncompliant-“merry Christmas” a red-rag to the HR bull!

“Season’s greetings” is about as racy as most of these e-cards get.

But let’s get real – aren’t these e-festive cards are in tune with the times?

All this baby Jesus stuff doesn’t even make it to the average nativity (which has been de-risked by the educational branch of the thought police). 

We are business people…we all know that the point of these “festivities” is to boost the retail sector.

But (say it quietly)  if we’re out to save the high-street – these e-festive greetings are not helping. They are doing nothing for the highstreet. They are not helping Britain’s recovery one bit.

But at least they are carbon neutral….“E- cards save on card – pixels don’t need card”.

And it is true – real Christmas cards are both non-PC and carry a hob-nail carbon-footprint.

I ought to be really grateful for all these e-greetings which are saving the Christmas (sorry) Trees.

But I’m not grateful

…In fact I feel like ripping up the nearest sapling to thrash these e-design teams – like they were Basil Faulty’s car.

People who have sent me real Christmas cards – and there have been 5 of them, have my undying gratitude. They have got it so right.

And what’s more…

This may  be the last year that some people’s digital messages get through to me. I am getting about 20 of them a day, some from people I foolishly connected with on Linked In over the year. I am also vulnerable to super-spamming technology firms who I fail to ban from sending me suitable messages by ticking the little box.

I’ve got bad news for you kind people who have been sending me these cards- they have all been spammed, which means that when you want to enquire about my SEO optimisation program, your mail will find its way into my marvellous junk file.

And what’s more…

I have informed my IT department that I consider e-festive greetings cards a security issue. Lulled by their festive context, these links we press to see snow drifting across an e-landscape could just as well hide a very unseasonal computer virus.

Wishing us a spam-free new year!

I am not very sorry to say that it is not just dodgy social media contacts who are culprits.

Three of the big four accountancy firms have sent me these cards– and they’ve all  been reported to my IT department as potential e-terrorists. Hi-risk management consultants are second only to hi-risk governance organisations, especially legal firms trying to flog me their professional trustee services.

At the rate at which these e-cards are arriving , there will hardly be a professional services firm left which hasn’t been barred from sending  my firm anything. Which should make for a very productive 2015 when I and my colleagues can turn our attention to the 1.3m SMEs and Micros still to stage auto-enrolment.

Did I just say “1.3m SMEs and micros…?” I do apologise – I mean these 1.3m and  the 400,000 readers of accountancy age, all of whom – I am quite sure – have never once considered sending an e-festive greetings card- let alone sending  one to me!

For  anyone who is still reading my festive nonsense, here is the very wonderful Vincent Franklin of Quiet room telling us all about the Santa Brand Book which is about the only thing funny left about Christmas this year!