Why anyone ever thought walking backwards for Christmas was funny is beyond me. This is only the latest in a long line of Christmases (2013 and counting).
Perhaps the song inspired a nation to collectively give up on common sense (Scrooge had a point) and abandon itself to debt once more. After all it is only Christmas.
I saw a lady walking down London Wall this morning, what a sourpuss, I turned to her and tried to cheer her up “cheer up it’s Christmas” said I. She flicked me a V and walked off. That knocked some sense into me.
If we could find some way to get through the next fortnight (I write on the 20th) without having to drink Baileys, sing Bing Crosby or indulge in Secret frigging Santa, I could bear it. But no. We have the same rituals and all that changes is a vague sense that if we spend more, drink more, sing more and degenerate into “vulnerable consumers”, then there would be space for the upside.
On 21st December, St Lucies Day , “tis the world’s deep midnight and tis mine”. So said John Donne, a gloomy bugger if ever there was one. The shortest day of the year, the solstice, the turning point where the diurnal round inches back to light and warmth and summer.
When I lived in Iceland it was dark all day and night right now. The Aurora Borealis didn’t bother showing up, too damn gloomy. People topped themselves – went bonkers because of perpetual night. They didn’t need the excuse of Christmas.
So I’m walking backwards for Christmas. I’ll walk past the drunken girls making their way over Eton Bridge tonight (in the rain and in their skimpies). I’ll pass on the other side from the lads pissing themselves down Eton High Street on the way up to Slough. I’ll resist the temptation to have mice pies with Jeff and his missus (so kindly meant).
Instead I’ll slip home and make myself a cup of tea and turn on the laptop and write another blog about pensions.
I’m walking backwards and the sooner I get the hang of becoming a Christmas moron- the better!
So here are my top five Christmas hates so far this advent
- That bloody game
- E-Christmas cards
- E–Chrismas cards on twitter
- The John Lewis ad (other than the Private Eye verdict)
- Carol Singing
Picture thanks to Emmy Labovitch of Novarca