How can you pretend that it’s ok not to have a pension? (Stolen from the Daily Mash)

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ARE you secretly shitting yourself about not having a pension but want to pretend it’s fine? Here are some great ways to delude yourself.

There’ll be lots of people in the same boat

Tell yourself there’ll be loads of people without pensions so the government is bound to make sure they’re OK. Ignore the fact that you’re more likely to be put in a ‘granny camp’ surrounded by razor wire making cheap socks for Primark.

You can live off your inheritance

This might be the case if you’re a character in a Dickens novel, but in reality your parents are more likely to sell their home to pay for Saga cruises and things old people shouldn’t have, like MacBooks and Viagra-fuelled swinging parties.

Convince yourself you’re a rebel

Keep telling yourself not having a pension is like being Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. You’re a free spirit and The Man ain’t going to make you pay into a pension.

You’ll be too old to enjoy yourself anyway

Paint the bleakest possible mental picture of retirement, eg. watching Eggheads again in a grim retirement home while eating mashed banana. Don’t dwell on all the ‘silver foxes’ having a high old time in retirement with their sports cars and wine tasting holidays.

Have an improbable last-minute ‘plan’

You can probably do something that will make you rich just in time for retirement such as writing a best-selling novel. Other unlikely schemes might include inventing a ubiquitous product such as Post-it notes or a jet engine powered by tap water.

Note: This plan may unravel as you find yourself aged 64 still stuck on page three of your dire novel about a giant man-eating squid which is basically Jaws but much, much shitter.

Hope that society collapses

Pray that Brexit obliterates the UK economy or there’s a nuclear war so everyone is equally fucked. As you cook squirrel stew in a filthy dustbin lid at least you didn’t waste money on a boring pension back in ‘the Happy Times’.


This article is stolen from the Daily Mash – the original can be found here.

About henry tapper

Founder of the Pension PlayPen, Director of First Actuarial, partner of Stella, father of Olly . I am the Pension Plowman
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