Performance enhancing rugs

News is coming in that Wayne Rooney has tested positive for a performance enhancing rug.

 His magnificent header from all of 6 inches crowned another fab night’s footie in Ukrania. And this in a game that but for Capello’s pleading, our Wayne would never have played.

Our luck’s in – are we England or are we Germany in disguise?

Is Rooney a “world-class striker” or a rug-crazed brat who couldn’t score in a brothel – without his peice that is? These and other arguments are frankly irrelevent- we won didn’t we?

And whatever happened to our being stuffed by the men in black?

The ball crossed the line but this time it was the UKranianians who were on the wrong side of some dodgy 5th refereeing,

And what about that gut wrenching, stomach churning tension that besets our every game? We could all put our feet up and gloat through the second half as the Swedes battered the frogs meaning we were going through win lose or draw.

For once we came up against a bunch of fans who out sung us and out swung us – these UKranianians are a lot more than the Borats they were cracked up to be! What’s going on!

IT seems that everything’s coming up roses! All we need now is for Greece to smash a few plates over the Schweinstiger & Co and my happiness will be complete. Major football tournaments are not mean to be like this.

By now , according to Sol, we should be in the middle of a pitched battle between UKranianian stormtroopers and the foolish Ballotellis that ventured into this mid-European madness.

Instead, the joyful news reaches us that the UKrainis are jolly good chaps who have been cured of their long-held right-wing tendencies by the magic of sport.

Roll on the olympics by the end of which the world will be a place of perfect harmony with acoustic guitars, honey bees all sponsored by the great taste of coke.

So we are the new Germany, Germany the new Greece and Wayne Rooney is rugged up.

Whether we win against Italy is not an issue, Hodgson is no long a dull git but a brilliant tactician with the common touch. The FA done good and UEFA got it right dishing out these matches to the formerly excremental states of Poland an Ukraine!

What a difference 270 minutes of football makes!

About henry tapper

Founder of the Pension PlayPen,, partner of Stella, father of Olly . I am the Pension Plowman
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